Amber, “Power of Love” (Celine Dion)

Her voice was amazing, as usual. Her looks were amazing, as usual. Her professionalism was impressive for a kid, green for an adult – as usual. I heard rumblings that Amber is supposedly the chosen one. I don’t buy the rumors; Amber’s head is going to be on the block tomorrow night even if she is amazing tonight. Only a comparatively weak night from Candice, her first bad night of the entire year, might save her. The judges might love her, I might love her – but the voters love Candice, Kree and Angie more. I kinda like them, too. It’s a tough year. A-

Amber- “McArthur Park” (Donna Summer by way of that rat bastard Richard Harris)

Shoot the guy who picked this song. He might have taken Amber out of the competition. F. Ok, that’s not fair. Amber sang it fine. Emeril cooking a turd and syphilis sandwich would be about the same thing. I don’t care who sings that song. It’s going to be an epic plunge into the cleavage of Medusa’s Hairdresser.

Candice- “Find your Love” (Drake)

She was pitchy here and there, a little sloppy. Other than that, she sounded like vintage Candice. It was a good song choice, or it would have been on a night when she didn’t back it up with another ballad she didn’t pull off as well. A for her voice, B for the performance.

Candice, “Emotions” (Bee Gees/Samantha Sang)

Close your eyes and listen to Candice, and eventually you will hear Dionne Warwick in there a little. I didn’t like her version of the song (boring and a dumb song choice), but I doubt that more than maybe five percent of the audience had ever heard it before – so that shouldn’t be a problem. It still kind of sucked, though. If they were going to make her sing it, they should have shown her where the melody is. B-

Kree, “It Hurts so Bad” (Linda Ronstadt)

Kree isn’t some greenhorn who came to Idol out of the sticks like Amber did. She’s been at it in Nashville for a few years. In a way, this allows Kree to get more out of the Idol experience than some other singers might. She ain’t ever going to crap out Etta James’ licks, or even Linda Ronstadt’s licks, but her attempts at singing the blues on Idol will give some color to her later performances on the Grand Ole Opry. She tries, anyway. In a vacuum I’d give her a B-, but it’s Kree. B+

Kree. “Whiter Shade of Pale” (Procol Harem)

A lamb walks into a bar….  Kree  sounded fine, terrific even (exit stage le-eft), but it’s been a couple of weeks  since she’s sang a song in her element. B

Angie, “Who You Are” (Jessie J)

Whoever engineered the original track by Jessie J deserves a Grammy; her voice comes out so perfectly that they should teach that track in Track Engineering School. Angie’s version was surprisingly good, considering that Angie struggles with tightly wound rhythms. She did struggle with it at times, but only a hardcore fan of the song would have a problem with her interpretation. A-

Angie- “Cry me a River” (Julie London)

If you can listen to Julie London’s version and not be moved, get in a box because you are dead. Angie was to Julie London as McArthur Park is to music, but she hit the notes. B+

Amber/Kree- “Rumor Has It” (Adele)

If you ask me, this might have been Amber’s shiniest moment of the year. She stood next to Kree, who is going to be standing under the confetti in a couple of weeks, trying to hug the entire population of Los Angeles all at once while she waters the stage with tears of joy. Amber stood next to the likely Next American Idol, and blew her off the stage. It wasn’t that Kree sounded bad, either; Kree was terrific. Amber was just that much stronger. Kree is still going to win, though.

Candice/Angie- “Stay” (Rhianna and some guy)

It was weirdly like listening to a duet between Lil Rounds (out of tune) and Lauren Alaina (way too dramatic). Angie blew the doors off the song; singing the harmony and hitting her notes while Candice was wildly out of tune way too often.

Safe to in Danger-

Safe:

• Kree
• Angie

In Danger:

• Candice
• Amber

Amber was supposed to go tomorrow night, so I understand Jimmy’s Angst. I would be surprised, but not shocked, if either of the white girls landed in the bottom two.

Candice- “Straight Up (Paula Abdul)

Candice looks a little like Queen Latifa, doesn’t she? There were some serious, moment-worthy performances elsewhere on the show tonight (see Amber), but this tight, sweet, funky performance was my favorite. As much as Candice has been pimped all year, I don’t think even Idol realizes how good she is. The garbage can lid was a nice touch. A+, moment.

Candice- “When You Believe” (Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston)

It’s probably a good thing she was otherworldly good on her other song, because she was otherworldly mediocre on this one. I blame the band. She started out like she always does, like she was going to tear the roof off the song, but when the song kicked in the band was faster than she expected, and she never got comfortable. She handled the tempo change ok once she felt it, but she kept singing sharp. It means literally nothing. By the time Candice is at risk, at the Nokia in May, nobody is going to remember that she was a little sharp on April 17th. B-

Janelle- “Nobody Answers” (Vince Gill/Patty Loveless)

She has to be careful; she keeps taking more and more chances with the melody, and she isn’t good enough to get away with that for very long. If she tries one of these vocal triple axles without her feet set, she’s going to land on her butt. She hit it tonight, so all I can complain about is that the song choice wasn’t the best. B

Janelle- “Dumb Blonde” (Dolly Parton)

I had to go listen to Dolly’s version, I’d never heard of the song before… Dolly’s version came out in 1967, and it sounded like a vintage Tammy Wynette song. Janelle re-worked it, making it sound like something Janie Fricke or Reba McIntyre would have done in the 1980s. Her arrangement was outstanding, very creative, so Janelle has that going for her (which is nice…). Her best attribute at this point might be her creativity; she is the weakest link left vocally. She missed a ton of notes, trying too hard to compete with the four true divas she is competing against. A for the arrangement, B- for the execution, B+ overall.

Angie and Janelle both have about half an octave of range in the middle where they sound terrific, but outside of that their voices are fairly threadbare.

Kree- “She Talks to Angels (Black Crowes)

She made it her own, I guess, like someone doing an old school country cover of the song. I can’t see her song choice as a good idea, considering what the song is about, but I won’t kill her for it, either. C for the idea, A for the execution so a B for the overall performance, with a bump up because it’s Kree singing it. I can’t speak for everyone, but it always bugs me when a singer turns a blues scale into a major scale. It sounds, for lack of a better description, really white. B+

Kree- “Have You Ever Been in Love” (Celine Dion)

Give Kree fifteen years and she’s going to be hosting “Nashville Now”, or whatever passes for that show in fifteen years. For her sake, let’s hope they quit making the host talk to puppets by then. I think I might have overestimated her voice a little, but I underestimated her personality a lot. She is going to be really famous as a person, not just as a voice. B+

Angie- “I’ll Stand by You” (Pretenders)

Pia Toscano blew the doors off this song in season ten, but I think Angie did it even better than Pia did. Pia is much the better singer, but Angie brought more emotion to the song, and commanded the song like a master. I can do without the constant camera hunting and the cheesy “this is for my hometown” glory grab, but she knocked it out of the park. A

Angie- “Halo” (Beyonce Knowles)

Her vocal was strong, but I couldn’t help feeling like it was sort of “Debbie Boone does hip/hop”. A vocal, C+ feel, B+ overall.

Amber- “Without You” (Mariah Carey)

Nicki tried to say something I was thinking; Amber ain’t Mariah Carey (who is?), so she wasn’t going to sound great with Mariah sitting right there, watching her. As good as she was, and she was very good, the song is just too famous. Amber made no mistakes, but the comparison was too obvious. Actually, the largest mistake was Mariah saying Harry Nillson wrote the song. Not to be anal, but Mariah sang the song, made the song famous to an entire generation. She should know who wrote it. A-

Amber- “What are you doing the rest of your life” (Barbra Streisand)

Billy Holiday lives. Not perfect, but it didn’t have to be. A+, moment.

Safe to in danger:

Safe-

1. Kree
2. Candice
3. Angie

Sweating to the end-

1. Amber
2. Janelle

Both Amber and Janelle still have a slight chance of winning, but the likeliest result is that they will be the next two gone. I don’t know if they are still going to use the save; if they are, nobody is going home this week.

I’m writing this well after the fact, so the format is slightly adjusted. I can’t predict what already happened. Ok I can, but not after I admitted that this is written well after the fact.

Burnell, “You Give Love a Bad Name” (Bon Jovi)

Yeah, right. Next up: Stevie Wonder singing “Whip It”, followed by Charlotte Church singing “I Touch Myself”. As you would have expected, Burnell’s version bore little resemblance to the original. I like Burnell himself so much that I liked it, but I knew he was going to get roasted for his version by everyone from Mariah to the guy with the ass crack hanging out who empties the vomit buckets backstage. As we now know, Burnell didn’t survive the week.

Angie/Lazaro, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” (Queen)

That was awful; Lazaro sucked, Angie sucked, the arrangement sucked, even the sound engineer sucked. Let’s move on.

Kree, “Piece of my Heart” (Janis Joplin)

She wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but I still think this was my favorite Kree performance of the year. Ok, maybe it’s second behind the Grace Potter thing in Hollywood, but she made some breakthroughs tonight. She’s starting to drop the Carrie Underwood imitator tone, and she sounds more like herself. This is a huge thing for her, because her sweet, buttery tone is her best attribute. She seems so much more relaxed, and even on the stilts they keep strapping to her feet she is starting to move around a little. She looks sort of glamorous instead of looking like she just cleaned the toilets, too. I keep ranking her lower than she seems to rank on the internet, but it’s never because of her talent. I was always worried about her focus, and her confidence. She seems to be well past that now, and I see no reason why she can’t win. Hell, she might even be the favorite right now. It’s very close between the big three.

Candice/Burnell, “The Letter” (Box Tops)

I keep hearing Dionne Warwick in Candice’s tone, and this song really brought that out. Burnell got buried in the mix, but on the stage he more than held his own. It ain’t easy to sing over Candice, even when she is holding back a little. She sang the harmony part, which is notable because rival Angie did NOT sing the harmony part on her duet.

Janelle, “You May Be Right” (Billy Joel)

Yaknow, Janelle doesn’t stack up very well against the year’s best singers, but how did Kelly Pickler stack up against Chris Daughtry and Kat McPhee? I see no reason why Janelle can’t have Pickler’s career. All she needs is good taste in songs and a dynamite producer. Her basic talent is that whatever she sings will always sound like the Nashville version of the song. She can sing Megadeath, or Led Zeppelin, or Stevie Wonder, or Gregorian Chants – and everything’s going to sound like it was written by Loretta Lynn (slow songs), Lynn Anderson (fast songs) or Tammy Wynette (songs about tossing her cheatin’ husband’s crap out on the lawn).

Lazaro, “We are the Champions” (Queen)

Laz gets plenty of crap for his flaws, and I’ve been on him plenty myself, but think about this: How many Idol finalists have competed in their second language? You speak English, I speak English, and we are watching, not competing. He still sucks relative to the competition, but I wanted to take a minute here, to render some applause for the kid. He won’t win, but what he accomplished was impressive as hell. Once his Idol run is over I expect him to put out an album in Spanish, and I expect it to be pretty good.

Amber/Janelle/Kree, “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me” (Billy Joel)

What a waste of all that talent, singing this piece of crap. I love Billy Joel most of the time, but he put a few turkeys out there. At least it wasn’t “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. If you like that song, I mean “Keeping the Faith”; if you like that one too…

Candice, “Satisfaction” (Rolling Stones)

Ooh, dare to challenge Adam? The song arrangement, underneath Candice’s lyrics, was exactly the same. I wanted to hate it out of spite, or hubris, or something, but she knocked it out of the park as she always does. She wasn’t Dionne this time, though. She was Gloria Gaynor or Cissie Houston, doing it like the Motown singers did Disco back in the 70′s. I was, as they say, thoroughly entertained.

Amber, “What About Love” (Heart)

We finally found the top of Amber’s range, right near the end when she almost squeaked, and got a little thin and tinny at the top. Well, we didn’t find it, a Saint Bernard wearing a brandy keg found it; but we know it’s there now. I listened to her studio version of this song, and it was both blow me away amazing and a reminder that Amber is still very much a work in progress. The Taj Mahal was once a work in progress, too. If Amber isn’t the most talented performer Idol has ever had; considering age, vocal chops, range, tone, looks, personality…

That’s a good question, isn’t it? Who is Idol’s best talent combination ever? Kelly, Carrie, Kat McPhee, Adam, Crystal, Cookie, Archie, Clay…. there have been a lot of them. If I were to compare Amber to any of them I think I’d compare her to Kat McPhee, but with Jennifer Hudson’s vocal potential. She looks like Natalie Cole, and she sings like Whitney Houston. Candice is so good that she is rendering Amber an afterthought, though.

Angie, “Bring me to Life” (Evanescence)

She isn’t as good a singer as the big three (Candice, Kree and Amber), though she’s probably better than Janelle. She picked her perfect song, laid out about as strong a performance as her talent is capable of – and lost her status as front-runner. At this point I think she’s doomed to finish third or fourth, and that’s fair. She is roughly the third or fourth best contestant. It wasn’t more than a month ago that she looked like she was going to run away with it.

———————————————————-

Burnell got the green weenie and I’m going to stack my top six recap on top of this; so I’ll skip power rankings.

Idol Final Eight Performance Night/Safe to in Danger:

Good luck tonight Idol; Idol’s opening act was Siobhan and her new band “Doubtful Guest”. They debuted the band tonight with a concert on stageit.com. If you are on facebook you probably got several blurbs about it from me. If you didn’t watch, it was your loss. It. Was. Awesome!!!

Tonight’s theme is songs from Detroit, so we might see someone take on Eminem, or Bob Seger, or Alice Cooper, or (mostly) songs from Motown Records. Smokey Robinson is here to reprise his role as the best mentor ever, so let’s get to it…

The Singers, the Songs:

Candice, “Heard it through the Grapevine”

Call it over the top, call it self indulgent, whatever. If you got it, you got it. Some people will hate the arrangement, some people will hate that she isn’t Marvin Gaye, and a few will even hate that she isn’t John Fogerty, but nobody can say that she didn’t dominate the stage, the song, and her audience. Idol’s old status as pop culture’s midweek, midseason center of attention ain’t what it used to be, so this might not end up being a famous performance – but Candice sang as well tonight as any performer the show’s ever seen, including Adam Lambert. It was a moment for Idol fans, and a moment for Candice. A+

Duet next, Kree and Janelle doing “Like a Prayer”

Madonna too, that’s right… Detroit gave us some music, didn’t it? Janelle… I just figured out who she reminds me of: Steve Earle. Not as a singer, just how she talks, how her mouth moves. Lets hear it..

I was surprised at how well Janelle matched up with Kree’s vocal strength; either they fixed their mics perfectly, or Janelle has a bit more power than I give her credit for. I enjoyed the song, but I would have enjoyed it a lot more if they had skipped the freaking choir. Two Idol level singers like Kree and Janelle don’t need all that help. Elephant = Mouse, built to government specifications.

Lazaro, “For Once in my Life”

No matter what you think of Laz, don’t buy the Idol hype that he’s some Latino farm boy who just saw his first bright light when his plane touched down in Hollywood. Laz is experienced, and Laz is savvy. I personally see this as a positive, because Laz is going to be very busy once the show ends, singing for large crowds all over the world. I don’t think he needs to win Idol, or even make it deep, to be successful. He just needs to be honest with his fans, and be who they think he is.

Tonight he smoked it, his best performance of the year. He is still missing the… that… how do I explain it? Trumpet players, Sax players too I think (I don’t play either one), play the same three valves in various forms, and they expand, go up and then up some more, by using more air and tightening their lips, “popping” to a new level. Laz needs to learn how to do that with his voice. Siobhan (you knew she was coming eventually) is really good at this. Some of the other contestants this year are good at it; so many that it’s more noticeable when someone can’t do it – like Laz. A-

Janelle, “Keep Me Hanging On”

Her re-arrangement was brilliant, a Nashville-ish reinvention of a song that’s already been reinvented several times. I could sort of hear how she wanted to sing it, but Smokey gave her bad advice. I’m not dunning Smokey, I’m a huge fan, but his advice was good for someone cutting a record, with dozens of takes available to get it right. Janelle had one shot, and she did ok, but not nearly as well as she would have done with the melody she had been doing since she was fourteen years old. She should be safe as hell, so no harm no foul, but oops. B+

Devin, “Tracks of my Tears”

I like Devin’s voice, and I thought he sang well enough tonight to be safe in most years, but he was next to last in the voting in each of the first two weeks of the finals. He’s going to be bottom three tomorrow night no matter what, and his only real chance of not going home is that the girls votes will get split and Amber will get the green weenie. Amber hasn’t been up yet, so he can maybe hope she goes off on a trill-a-thon or something, or Randy wakes up and says a bunch of stupid stuff to Amber like he did last week. Seriously, why does anyone listen to the judges? B+

Candice, Amber and Angela, “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me”

This was one of the tightest concentrations of talent Idol’s ever put together on a performance night, and they were all terrific. Angela got “outed” by Candice as the flirty girl who manipulates the audience; we’ll see if that matters later (I doubt it). Oh, and look at you, Amber!! So glamorous, and since I’m already there; how about Kree tonight? She isn’t the dress up type, but at least she let them do her hair and she put on a clean pair of pants. Progress…

Burnell, “My Cheri Amore”

He’s still a kid, so he has some learning left to do, like a young pitcher with a perfect delivery might need to stretch his arm out and define his off speed pitches a little more. It would be a bad idea to mess with his basic delivery, though. Those moosy low notes, the natural, sedate delivery, the waving arms he uses to keep himself in the rhythm of the song…. anyone who messes with those things risks taking away what makes him special. He’s the Natural. Just leave him be, and stock extra light bulbs. A

Angela, “Shop Around”

I always think of this as a “Captain and Tennille” song, but that’s an age thing. Most people think of it as an “Elevator and Dentist’s Office” song. Lets hear it.

She has the God Squadder vibe, but underneath beats the heart of a Miley Cyrus, “I’ll do ANYTHING to be famous” doll. Never underestimate her desire to win. B, but a pleasing B. Thanks for doing something up tempo, you Prom Night Serial Killer.

Amber, “Lately”

Candice is killing her chances of winning, or even making it past next week, but we really need to appreciate just how good Amber’s voice is. I spent half of tonight listening to my favorite Idol ever, Siobhan Magnus. I’m Siobhan’s biggest fan; she sounded amazing tonight, but Amber makes even Siobhan sound like a Bob Dylan imitator in comparison. A+, I won’t call it a moment on a night when Candice remade Grapevine; but maybe America will wake up and give Amber her due.

Amber is going to be a star eventually, but she is also going to be in danger again tomorrow night because the voters can’t (or won’t) vote for the perceived number five woman over the three remaining men. Amber is going to have to be content to be the new Jennifer Hudson.

I don’t have the patience to listen to the judges most of the time, but I listened to what they said about Amber tonight. Nicki was her usual moron self (she can’t help it, Idol should have known that she isn’t a singer), but the others gave Amber some love, so she should be safe. She isn’t safe, of course, but she should be. Most years, she would be the Pia. Wait, Pia finished ninth, didn’t she? By that measure Amber is doing ok…. I would tell her to gamble soon, do something outrageous and dangerous. She won’t survive by playing safe, not with Kree and Janelle up against her.

The Guys, “I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)”

Laz missed a couple of cues, forgot the words, and ruined the performance (oops). I don’t think it’s fair to dun the other guys for it; they were both right on their cues and sounded terrific. I feel for Devin, who is going to likely be gone tomorrow night. He is a better singer than Laz, but Idol didn’t give him any backstory – or any fashion advice. Seriously, can we shoot the bastard who dressed him tonight? Shoot him, bury him, then dig him up and shoot him again.

Kree, “Don’t Play that Song”

Blonde up her hair, take the new mother weight off her hips, teach her how to dress – and Kree is Carrie Underwood. No singer in Idol history, and believe me hundreds if not thousands if not millions have tried, has ever been as close to being the new Carrie Underwood as Kree is. It’s a tribute to the level of talent this year that Kree isn’t the frontrunner. Kree is probably headed to the final four anyway. Get used to her, and enjoy her. A

Safe to in Danger:

 Safe

• Candice
• Angela
• Kree
• Laz
• Janelle
• Burnell
• Amber

In Danger

Devin, or there is going to be some serious angst coming out of my word processer. I like Devin, but I like everyone else more who might be in danger. I’m ok with Laz leaving, but that ain’t happening.

AMERICAN IDOL

Season Twelve

Top Nine/Beatles Nigh 

I love the Beatles, man…… I wasn’t going to do any of these full blown articles this year, partly because I’m busier than last year, partly because I’m older than last year, but mostly because I really don’t want to listen to Randy Jackson talk anymore. I still don’t want to listen to Randy talk, so don’t expect much commentary from me about the judges. Judges are like snowflakes – they are all different, but eventually you still have to wipe them off the bottom of your shoes.

On to the show! ….. um, why is Debbie Gibson here, dressed like it’s 1988 and she’s still 17 years old? She’s gotta be like 40 by now, right? Righ…. oh wait, that’s someone else. Oh I got it, it’s that Carly girl, the girl with the legs and the bright eyes and the cute hat and the stupid song that every girl wants to sing at karaoke… Um… yeah… right…. um… seriously, what’s Debbie Gibson doing here?

Charlie and Aubrey for the final Tour spot; viewer vote: Aubrey won, so the Idol Tour will be short one geeky little sociopath. In a way, I’ll miss him. He’s nuts, but he’s never boring. Aubrey seems like a nice young lady, hard working and talented – and about as interesting as a soap commercial. Still, I’m happy for her. She dedicated the last three years to making the stupid tour, so she earned it.

Rather than listen to the judges, I’ll be the judge myself – with a grade at the end. My criteria this year:

• A: worthy of a live album
• B: competent, mistake free or good enough to      overcome a couple of small mistakes
• C: ok, maybe boring or a bad song arrangement,      but not a train wreck
• D: train wreck
• F: there has never been an F performance on      Idol. In Hillyard, karaoke at the Comet? Yes. Late night at the Star? Hell      yes. Idol? No, though Sanjaya came close a time or two.

Pluses and minuses will be added to tighten the definitions, since those definitions are broad enough to use as a drive-in screen. Remember drive-ins, people? Debbie Gibson, grumble grumble… vcrs…. mumble… kids these days…

The Singers, the Songs:

Kree Harrison, “A Little Help From My Friends”

Cocker version….  How many Beatles songs are known more by their covers than by their original versions? Cocker has more than one of them by himself; “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” comes to mind immediately….. Bob? You are my best “Beatles expert” friend, do you have a list? I’ll publish it later on the site if you have time to work one up.

Kree usually shows up looking messy, and sings a tight arrangement. Tonight she showed up looking tight – and sang a messy arrangement. I listened close enough to know that she hit the notes and sounded beautiful, as usual. With nine left she shouldn’t be in any trouble, though if this were top five or so she would be. Eyes closed, to me it sounded like Carrie Underwood singing kamakaze karaoke. Kree is better than that, but it’s fair to blame her for the bad arrangement.

TJ (Terry the judge): “Dude (ette)…. on a night with a melody heavy theme, you picked maybe the least melodic song on the list. You missed a chance to really stamp yourself as a contender.” C+

Burnell Taylor, “Let it be” (Another ballad?)

Ballad overkill noted; I still find him more exciting, standing there and singing, than I find most contestants, even the ones running all over the place with fire bombs exploding behind them. He just gets “it”, or maybe a better analogy is that “it” gets him. He was predictable tonight; singing an unfamiliar melody beautifully – but with a few gratuitous, ineffective trills mixed in. Give this kid a mic, a band, a stage and an audience. He doesn’t need to compete. He just needs to emote. B+

TJ: “Seriously, you didn’t know this song? Common, man, you don’t have to like Spam to know what it tastes like…. You sang it well, no worries….. some advice? Leave all the gratuitous crap to singers like Nicki. She needs the diversions; you don’t.”

Amber Holcomb, “She’s Leaving Home”

Amber is the new Siobhan, with a couple of tiny differences. Siobhan had (still has) the dog whistle range, while Amber has the perfectly rich, thick, layered, textured tone. Siobhan has a terrific tone in her own right, to go with the range; Amber has a terrific range, to go with the tone. Both have so much power behind their voices that they have to tape down the fine china or it’s going to shatter. Both come from huge families in small towns, headed by a father who isn’t exactly a rocket scientist. Both are/were 95% talent, 5% experience when they showed up for Idol. Siobhan’s run ended earlier than her talent deserved, and she is still working outside the industry machine despite some impressive post-Idol production. Let’s hope Amber’s road is a bit smoother. A-

TJ: “You improved more than anyone could have imagined from last week, mostly by getting rid of the fancy moves you used to rely on and trusting your voice and your musical sense. You don’t need frills, or trills. Your voice thrills. It’ll pay the bills. No more puns he spills….”

I loved her performance. I wanted to call it a moment, it was a moment for me – but the judges basically roasted her because Randy the producer went first and hammered her for being sharp on her first note. Gimme a sec, I have to wipe something off the bottom of my shoe.

Lazaro Arbos, “In My Life”

C-

TJ: “Good job.”

What am I supposed to say? Sing better? Laz is out of his league; the only reason he’s still here is that speed voting tweeners want to have his babies and their mothers want to watch. Kris Allen, Lee Dewyze, Scotty McCreery, Phil Phillips; none of them were remotely close to the best of their season. If it’s Lazaro Arbos this year, don’t be shocked. American Idol is now “The Trailer Park Dating Game”. Don’t tell the contestants that nobody gives a crap if they can sing, it’s fun to pretend. Just take your shirt off, and we’ll take care of the voting

Candice Glover, “Come Together”

I enjoyed it, mostly in self defense because it was at tempo (please, stop it with the ballads) but everything I said about Kree could be said about Candice tonight. She was messy, and honestly Kree hit the notes better. Candice is better than this, obviously, and I wouldn’t mind hearing her take another shot at a song in this style. It just wasn’t her night. B-

TJ: “Thanks for taking one for the team; you should get to sing a ballad next week while everyone else has to sing a polka, to balance it out.”

Paul Jolley, ” Eleanor Rigby”

I keep getting on Laz, who I like, for not having enough vocal talent. Paul has the vocal talent Laz doesn’t have, but he has no idea what to do with it. Paul gave us the glory note as usual; the one A quality note he always gives us, but the rest of the song was so mediocre that I can’t give him more than a C+

TJ: “Good job.”

What should I say? Sing better? This is who he is. He shouldn’t be here in the first place, he isn’t good enough. Season twelve should have been seven girls, three guys; even if they had been that smart, it wouldn’t have been smart enough. They would have ended up with the wrong three.

Angela Miller, “Yesterday”

If they came out and said “we’re screwing with ya; that wasn’t Angie singing, she was lip syncing to a recording of a slightly stoned Merrilee Rush at Allen Funt’s birthday party”… Angela is the frontrunner, so it would be dumb to talk about what she needs to do if she wants the voters to get on her side; but… with Amber coming on, Lazaro being male and cute, and Candice being amazing, her road to the Nokia isn’t automatic. She was nervous, and she jumped the gun on her first note; once she got past that she was fine, good, amazing even. She doesn’t look like she feels, if that makes any sense. She looks like a horror movie prom queen (right before she goes backstage and eats the flag squad), but she feels like Haley Reinhart singing Kelly Clarkson. No, it’s more like she’s Kelly Clarkson singing Haley Reinhart.

TJ: “If you want to be taken seriously, you have to stop being so serious. Every moment can’t be the blow-off scene from a 1980s movie. Get them up on their feet, and you’ll have them up on your side.”

Devin Velez, “The Long and Winding Road”

Amber’s problem last week, every week, is Devin’s this week. He has such a great tone, but he overdoes the trills. I like him even with the bullshit runs, especially since he stopped singing in Spanish every week, but will the voters? He was bottom two last week after singing great. He was great again tonight, way better than Laz or Paul, but I’m not sure it’s going to matter. Paul is white, and Laz is cute. Devin is merely better than they are.

Janelle Arthur, “I Will”

From how it all went down, I’m pretty sure that Janelle destroyed this song in rehearsal, in dress rehearsal, and if she got one more shot at it she would destroy it again live. When the lights went up and the pressure was on, she almost (but not quite) destroyed it. I’ve been in situations like that, on a lower level obviously, but any of us who have performed a song we believed in, our perfect song… I can tell what she was thinking. She was thinking “… (vile expletive) I know I’m supposed to be this sweet southern belle, but (graphic recounting of a sex act with an unsuspecting barnyard animal who shouldn’t have to look over its shoulder like that) I eat this song for lunch, and I missed that stupid note!?!?!?? I got the pimp slot, sang it perfectly, and I missed that one stupid note? A-

TJ “You are killing yourself over one bad note; get over it. It wasn’t that bad, and the rest was brilliant.”

Safe to in Danger:

Locks:

Everyone but Paul and maybe Devin

Pack up, and for chrissakes don’t steal all the muffins from the continental breakfast on your way out:

Paul, or maybe Devin

For a Beatles night it wasn’t amazing (they usually are), but it was enjoyable. Somebody needs to taze the musical director and drop him out in the wilderness, and replace him with somebody who won’t allow so many ballads. Please. Stop it with the ballads. Please. Seriously, I’m begging here. Please. Enough with the ballads. Ok?

Boys

• Paul Jolley
• Burnell “Urkel” Taylor
• Curtis “Big Ugly” Finch
• Devin Velez
• Lazaro Arbos

Girls

• Janelle Arthur
• Candice Glover
• Angie Miller
• Amber Holcomb
• Kree Harrison

Paul and Devin both deserved to make it based on the quality of their voices, so I’m ecstatic that the voters chose them over Charlie and the other Care Bear kid. Janelle was the only even mildly questionable choice among the girls; I might have chosen Aubrey based on the latest performances, or Breanna based on being a total sucker for girls whose eyes are almost as big as their faces; but Janelle was a solid choice. The voters did a much better job of sorting the contestants than the judges did, if you ask me. Good job, voters, and please keep it up. Don’t listen to Nicki unless she proves that she swallowed her meds. Don’t forget to look under her tongue. Speaking of Nicki; I knew she had a big butt, but I had no idea it was (grunt with me..) that big. Did they hire her, give her millions of dollars, because J-Lo’s chair fit her butt perfectly? It’s a Cinderella story, people…

*Power Rankings*

10: Paul Jolley- He might not finish tenth, but he’s been the closest to getting dumped, needing a save from Jimmy last week. If he wants to make it deeper, he’s going to have to quit shaking like a Chihuahua under an air conditioning vent all the time. Rodney Dangerfield tugging on his tie inspired more respect.

9: Janelle Arthur- Her voice was shaky tonight, under no pressure; I heard the ugly sounds of her parking brakes a little bit. She’s been regressing the last few weeks, not to train wreck levels, but enough to make me nervous as Paul Jolley getting a tax audit. If she can get back to how she sounded early in the season, though, she could still recover her momentum – and win the whole thing.

8: Kree Harrison- Wasn’t she terrific tonight? She’s at her best when she’s relaxed and singing freely; tonight was the last night she’ll have that luxury until the tour. Expect her to be fantastic on tour, but don’t expect her to be consistent in the competition, when she is under pressure.

7: Devin Velez- He’s solid vocally, maybe questionable in his song selections. If, as Nicki told him to, he does every song in both English and Spanish, this is about where everyone will get sick of it. Remember kiddies, check under her tongue.

6: Lazaro Arbos- Sure, he could win. He could finish tenth, too. What we know about Lazaro and his chances:

- He is the weakest singer left

-Based on tonight’s results, the voters can tell a singer from a garden hose

Sooner or later it’s going to matter that Laz is a good, but not great, singer.

5: Amber Holcomb- She has the most vocal talent of any of these kids, but other than Lazaro she has the least experience singing under control, under pressure, and under the guidance of mean, harsh vocal coaches and an internet full of harpies and vipers. To go much deeper than this, she would need to crap out about a month of experience a day for the next couple of months. She’s going to be special in time, but she doesn’t have enough time to be special this season.

4: Burnell Taylor- He keeps growing on me. Hell, he could be this year’s Allie. Does the Allie have to be a female?

3: Candice Glover- Toss a hand towel over 2-4, they could come in any order. Candice might be more likely to win than Big Ugly, but she isn’t the top dog female like Big Ugly is the top dog male.

2: Big Ugly Curtis Finch- Johnny Mathis lives….. I’m starting to doubt him just a little; his last couple of performances, he’s gotten carried away with his late runs, and been wildly out of tune at times. If it’s just nerves, or in tonight’s case being too exuberant, it’s no problem. If it isn’t; if it’s a real weakness…

1: Angie Miller- Am I wrong, or is Angie poised to run away with it? She isn’t the best singer, Candice or Curtis have that covered. She isn’t the best story, Lazaro has that covered. She isn’t the most talented, Amber’s got that locked up. What she is…. she’s the best combination of all three positives and appears to be the only real instrumentalist left; plus she looks like a Pageant Queen, with huge, unfocused eyes that are almost hypnotizing. Add in her unshakable religious faith, the stuffing that comes from having to overcome being the musician with the worst hearing since Beethoven…. then shake, strain into a martini glass, and you have the next American Idol.